This Little Light of Mine

From a Press Release, April 26, 2010

On Monday, April 23, 18-year-old Alex Smith spoke on a community panel at a screening of “Bullied,” telling the packed room about the bullying his boyfriend experienced at school. What no one in the room yet knew, including Alex, was that his boyfriend had already taken his own life. 

This death is the latest known suicide of a gay teen in Northern Utah. One official says, off the record: “It happens here about once a week,” but then quickly adds, “but officially, you know, it doesn’t happen here." 

OUTreach is hosting a community response: “A Community Stands up - Northern Utah Addresses LGBT Bullying and Suicide.” It will take place May 1st, 6:30 pm at the Ogden Amphitheater, 343 E 25th ST, Ogden, UT. The purpose of the event is for the community to stand in solidarity with (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) LGBT youth, to speak out and express grief and outrage at yet another loss of life in Northern Utah and to witness for the need for immediate change in schools, churches and society. Until ALL youth are loved and accepted in their homes, able to attend school without fear of bullying, and know that their lives are worth living, this community will continue to demand change.

Numerous community leaders, educators, parents and youth will speak out for acceptance and love for LGBT youth, including active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the request of Alex Smith, a candlelight vigil will be held at the conclusion of the event. 

OUTreach Executive Director Marian Edmonds notes: “The youth I work with all know either a victim of bullying, the loss of a friend to suicide, and most often, both. These youth are bright, creative, and loving, yet too often face daily abuse from rejecting families, bullies at school and the loss of their church family. It is time for local schools to incorporate proven techniques for eliminating bullying and homophobia, for churches to preach love and acceptance, and for parents and families to love and accept their children. Each loss of life is a loss for all of us, and it must stop now.”

I spoke as a member of the original "Bullied" panel.

I cried when we learned that Alex's boyfriend had taken his life because he felt living was too much to bear.

I helped to plan and direct the event, A Community Stands - Northern Utah Addresses LGBT Bullying and Suicide.

I participated in providing music for the event with Sam and Jen.

I shared in the feeling of this community.  There was so much love and unity and oneness of vision -- this was truly one of the most "temple" kind of experiences I have ever experienced.  I know God was with us.  God was in us.

I never wanted to become an activist.  I have fought the call because I have been afraid.  I won't be afraid anymore.  God blessed me with a big voice, a big laugh, and a big heart.  I'm using them to speak up and stand on the side of love.

My message has never been one of destruction.  I do not wish to destroy the faith tradition in which I was raised.  I am a Mormon.  I am gay.  I am a man.  I am a musician.  I am a human who isn't merely being.  My message is that we are all christened Children of God.  We are all called to love.

I am a bridge.  I am a light.  I am a prayer.

So are you.

"All Photo Credits: Only In Ogden"

I'm Gonna Let It Shine!

Response to the Most Recent LGBTQ Teen Suicide in UT

I've spent so much time since Tuesday thinking and meditating and praying. I'm--


I've been speaking up for equal rights and telling LGBTQ and allied teens that it gets better and posting youtube videos and writing articles and being all around pro-LGBTQ rights for about a year and a half now. I have worked repeatedly on Sister Dottie shows. I feel like I've used my voice in standing on the side of love. 


I know we're doing absolutely life-saving work with LGBTQ community in UT. I know we've got incredible mountains to climb in helping the establishment understand why we're fighting for our freedom to marry and the blessing of living our lives out in the open. I know that the work and the advocacy is definitely making a difference, even in the rooms and towers of the church office building; however, I've never felt such a blow as when I learned of Jack's suicide. 


I have no idea who he is -- I've never met him. I only knew of him when his boyfriend -- another panelist who spoke with me against bulling Monday night -- spoke of him at the library. I felt like we lost so much when we lost him, just as we lose so much when we lose any of our brothers and sisters to suicide. These kinds of atrocities against us have to be stopped!


How do we give hope to these kids who have been taught that they deserve the treatment they're suffering? who have been taught that this is the price you pay when you come out? that this is the way that churches and their gods mete out punishment to those who don't walk the "straight" and narrow?


How do we remind our bullies that if God is love, then love is God? How do we urge them to believe in our interconnectedness, of I am in you and you are in me, of the fact that we are all christened Child of God? How do we teach people to see others as they see themselves? We have to keep raising our voices and waving our hands and marching our feet: I know we have to do that, but it feels, at least right now, at 12:21 on April 26th, that it's not changing quickly.


My heart is sick. My mind is weary. My soul is so incredibly angry. Right now, I don't know how to say "it gets better" unless I'm screaming it. I've got to find a way to temper all of my angry words with some gentleness, or else the other side won't be willing to listen to what we need to say.


I keep seeking for, praying for, asking for answers.


Please come and show your support for everyone who is named Child of God.  http://www.facebook.com/events/288709127881212/

Rebuttal

There was a message from a young man in my Facebook mailbox the other day, a response to a post I shared from Ask Mormon Girl.

Here is part of what he wrote:

I saw your "Ask a mormon girl" post. 

I've struggled with same-gender feelings ever since I became a Deacon in the Church. Fortunately, I've had the companionship of a wonderful family and good friends, and so I've never had the temptation to engage in a relationship with another man. (I hope I don't jynx myself by saying that). I just don't see that being a problem for me. 

However, I do know that it's a major consideration for others, and my heart goes out to them. I don't know how you feel about all this, but I figured the more all of us talk to each other about it, the better it will get. 

Those who struggle with same-gender attraction have some of the strongest testimonies I've seen. I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. I also know that He has given us commandments, such a the Proclaimation regarding the family. I know families are ordained of God. For some of us, it may not happen in this life. I desire to either eventually get married to a girl in this life, or remain single and let Heavenly Father make up for what I'm unable to do. 

I had a friend tell me that if Heavenly Father does not allow us to be tempted above what we are able, those who struggle with same-gender attraction must be some of His strongest spirits! 

To be honest, I rejoice when I hear stories of people who are striving to live according to church standards, but I am sad when I hear of those who either leave the church or try to make their homosexual relationships fit in with God's plan somehow. 

Just some of my thoughts. Sorry...I am unable to write short messages!!! 

Your Friend and Brother in the Gospel,

Here is my response.  Hopefully it was written with as much kindness and honor as I can muster.

I've been aware, in some respect or another, of the homosexual part of my divine nature since I was three or four. Without going into great detail, I've just always known. My parents also have always known. I have read my mother's comments and deep questions about my nature in old baby books and books of record. They sought out professional counselling when I was [a child] to keep me from "going gay" when I became a man. Incidentally, I don't remember much of my first grade years, and I think it's because that counselling against my feelings felt like a deep abuse; I've [probably] ignored those memories as a coping mechanism. 

I, too, have had been blessed with dear Christlike family and friends who haven't always agreed with my interpretation of doctrine, my politics, or my seeking out a husband as an eternal companion, but who have loved me with great courage and faith; this has allowed us all to follow our questions and seek out our own answers from Heavenly Father. 

With regard to your comment about being jinxed with the desire to seek out a relationship with another man, I also have never seen that sort of relationship in my life being a problem. In fact, I welcome it (in the future) as a blessing. I remember--after having prayed to have these feelings ripped from me, after having served a mission, after having lied to a sweet girl who wanted to marry me, after praying for car accidents and for life-threatening diseases so I wouldn't [consider] commit[ting] suicide-- I remember finally coming out to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. I had tried for years to come out to them, but I had never been brave enough to say, "Dear Heavenly Father, I've failed at your Plan. I'm gay." I finally said it. I sobbed.  

I prepared my heart for an answer. I read in 2 Nephi that "all are alike unto God." I heard Him say to me, "I know. I made you that way. Your sensitivity, your emotional understanding, your attention to detail and color and form, your creativity, you expression of and ability to love in this way -- I built your spirit this way, and I see that it is good. Your being gay changes nothing. There are more kinds of love within my heart than human beings wish to recognize. I have loved you, I love you, I will always love you. Go forth and be happy." 

We all have our levels of progression. We're all seeking out our own paths of Truth, especially as gay Mormons, seeking the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord in our lives. Perhaps your answer is not like my answer. Maybe God doesn't give us the same answers because we're not the same people. But maybe He gives us the same answers, and we listen for different affirmations. The only answer is that He loves us and He calls us to participate in divine work. 

I rejoice when people listen to the truth God gives them, walking courageously with their hand in His, wherever it may lead. My journey is leading me places I never knew I would be, but they feel -- deep in my soul -- right and true. The Spirit whispers that sort of confirmation. I will follow that, no matter what other people think. 

I completely agree that it will get better when we are brave and humble and kind and merciful enough to raise our voices with each other and have this discussion. I completely agree with you on the point. Let's keep the dialogue respectfully open. 

With honor and with love and with prayers, 

Nicholas Maughan
 

From a Status Update, Earlier Today

Dear Friendly Facebook Friends:

Due to some very recent misconstrued readings of last night's posts about my solitary midnight run to Beto's for food (not sex), I wish to offer a disclaimer:

I recognize and make no apology for stating my political leanings. Yes, I am all for marriage equality, because I feel it is the right thing to do, and have felt that way for quite some time. I believe you must be the change you wish to see in the world, and voices raised are powerful vehicles for change.

I recognize and make no apology for stating my spiritual beliefs, discussing my religious doubts, and offering truth as I see it.

I recognize and ask for no apology from anyone for the fact that we all have varied and diverse belief systems, faith traditions, political feelings, and styles of living. This diversity of thought and action is something I have always been taught to celebrate (different from is not inferior to). I thank God for the blessing of diversity within humanity, and count that diversity a credit to God's ultimate creativity.

I will continue to add my voice to the events, activities, policies, practices, and acceptance of acceptance I believe in. If my posts and writings challenge you in ways you find uncomfortable, please let me know, and I will add you to a "Do Not Share" list. If my posts and writings challenge you in ways which resonate, please, read away.

Rest assured, I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER share in anyway, shape, or form details of a deeply personal, intimate nature (read: IF, how, when, where, and with whom I share sexual relationships are not business I wish to share) in such a public forum as Facebook, Twitter, or any other type or system of so-called social media. At my core, I have never been the type of person to smear myself, or any other being, with public or private immorality, nor will I ever be.

I will always honor what I have consistently believed throughout my life: God is love. Love is the most powerful force for progression in the universe. Love thy neighbor. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Live your life and let others do the same. Learn how to be happy, and then share your happiness with others.

Thank you, and End of Rant.

things i say after midnight

integrity at all times, good sirs.  it's like breathing.  i have felt little pieces of death every time i've attempted deceit or repression.  falsity is not worth the trouble.

Pedestrian at a Crosswalk

you drove that big, blue, fuming truck up the circular drive. 
a limp cigarette was slung between your fingers
and i walked plainly across the road.

you hollered Speed it up, faggot! and then you coughed, flicking bits of ash out the open window.

i squared my shoulders and slowed my gait, singing
the mantra-song my mother taught
"I am a child of God."

i hope that in the time you waited while i sauntered and sang
i irritated the hell out of you.

Sister Dottie S Dixon's Hilarious Holiday Hullabaloo: A Reflection

I participated again this year in the Ogden OUTreach fundraiser put on by Sister Dottie S. Dixon at Weber State University.  I was the music director, as well as a talent scout, associate producer, radio personality and overall person whose fingers were involved with just about every aspect of the show.  I was even a contestant onon a radio competition associated with the fundraising project.  

I absolutely adore being the center of attention, but (believe it or not) I do try to be careful about what brings the attention.  I think I've been out and proud for the last four and a half years, but I've been somewhat selective about who I'm out and proud to; making the decision to sing "The Man Who Turned Out Gay" as a Sister Dottie S Dixon's Utah's Most Talented X-Factor Idol Contestant was a more challenging feat than I would have imagined it to be.  I assumed a portion of the 70,000 listeners who tune into X96 are people who know of me, but may not or do not need to know everything about me.  I assumed a portion of the listenership are people who know my parents and my brothers.  I assumed a portion of the large audience could be people from my hometown who have only ever seen the devout, faithful "Elder Maughan" part of me.  I admit, I was a little scared when I realized how big a public forum Radio from Hell is and I was terrified at the thought of presenting my orientation as a gay man in Utah to a much more expansive group of people. Some family members were quick to remind me that I would be "solidifying a reputation" if I did this, and that once I did, I would face much more difficulty when returning to the fold of the LDS faith (oh, how we hold so vehemently to our hopes!).

I considered using a pseudonym while I was on the radio Monday morning.  It would have been a way to appease family members and their concerns about reputation(s).  It would have been an easy way to appease my own concerns about reputation(s).  But it would have been cowardly.  I've always said that if I'm doing something I feel is right and important, it's important and right to attach my name to it without any apology.  So, I sang and I sang as Nic Maughan.  It was one of the truest moments of my life.  Whatever-GOD-is surrounded me with the truth that I was definitely doing the right thing at the right time in the right place with the right people.  I wasn't afraid of anything at all.  I knew I could be proud of our work and I didn't need anybody's approval but my own.

The show was a spectacular success by all accounts.  I am so pleased to have been a part of it again this year!    I think my favorite segment of the entire night was the Set'n'Visit with Sister Dottie and the OUTreach kids.  The entire portion was luminous, but I believe the moment with the most power has to be the audience's standing ovation at the end of the interviews.  I had the best seat in the house, sitting there at my piano.  I saw those kids bear witness to the affirmation the entire room was giving them.  I saw them begin to believe that their community valued them as the audience applauded.  I saw their confidence in themselves grow as they saw acceptance.  It was beyond powerful.

I've never felt like I've wanted to be an activist.  I've been happy with listening to individuals as they've come to me and asked me how I've managed the adjectives of gay and Mormon and faithful and reasonable.  I've been comfortable with quiet talks and small moments.  I've been content to let other people lend their voices to the cause of equality, but I think this week, this process of putting on the Hullabaloo has put a fire under my seat. It's taken five years of (in)decision, but I'm ready to add my voice to the chorus. If--as I've been reminded recently--I'm building a reputation, it will be as one who affirms the grace and dignity within all human beings; it will be as one who speaks against hatred and bigotry; it will be as one who proclaims that education becomes understanding and understanding grows into love and that love always casts out fear; it will be as one who fights to declare that every person can confidently claim the life that is theirs and find joy within that reclamation.

I'll build a reputation and I'll build it without apology.  God didn't make us to apologize. He made us to live as the Best Selves we can become, sharing in love and the fullness of honest living. He made us, really, to just live our lives and allow others the honor of doing the same.

Being a participant in Sister Dottie's Holiday Hullabaloo has helped to solidify and clarify my vision of what I need to do to help make the space in which I live a better place for everyone.  It's given me courage to have a healthier dialogue with my loved ones and with my self.

I'll always be grateful for the time and energy I spent with Sister Dottie.  It took a lot out of me, but it was ever-sa-worth it.  I am a better human being after having participated in such a cause as standing on the side of love.  I look forward to next year!