equally yoked

“You may not remember the time you let me go first. 
Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. 
Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. 
You may not remember any of those, but I do and this is what I have to say to you: 

Today, no matter what it takes, 
we ride home together.” 
― Brian Andreas

For Every Mormon

To my heterosexual, actively practicing Latter-Day Saint friends and family,

There have been many recent teen suicides in northern UT, with at least three happening within the last three weeks in Ogden and Davis County. Some of the teens who have taken their lives within the past school year are known to be LDS and LGBTQ/gay. Many of the teens who have taken their lives have confronted bullying in their schools, their churches, and their homes because they have either come out or assumptions made by bullies about perceived sexual orientation.

Being a gay Latter-Day Saint is challenging enough for an adult, let alone a young person who is trying to navigate the myriad of feelings and the many turns a teen's life takes while they mature. It's a challenging time when you are really figuring out who you are and how you wish to live your life. Add to the usual mix of teen angst and emotion and push-and-pull the weight of recognizing you're gay. It can be confusing and scary, full of questions. What do I do now? Am I the only one? Do other people know? Will I be targeted by violence? Add to those kinds of vexing questions the kinds of anxiety-ridden questions that come to gay members of the LDS church. Does Heavenly Father love me? Why would He do this to me? How will I ever fit into the Plan of Salvation? How will I ever be able to live with my family in the Celestial Kingdom? How can I serve a mission and spend every single day for two years with companion? If I don't serve a mission, how can I hold my head up at church? What will people say about me? What will people say about my family? How can I marry and have my own family? Should I come out to my family? Am I an abomination? Am I better off dead? Will it be easier for my family to deal with a gay son or a son who took his life?

I'm not asking for a dispensation from Salt Lake to change doctrines. My question to all faithful members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, whether you're active or inactive or membered or exed or voluntarliy removed, is this: How do we apply the MINISTRY of the Gospel in such a way that these kids (and adults) feel they can continue to breathe under the crushing millstone of weight that is figuring out how to be a happy, healthy gay Mormon? How do we light a fire so bright it will inspire mothers and local stake and ward Priesthood leaders who carry current temple recommends to speak up and save our kids without fearing they'll lose temple recommends or arouse church discipline? Active LDS members, we need you to feel safe that our camp is yours, that your firesides are ours. We want you to ride in our wagons, we want to pull your handcarts. We want to find this-is-the-place where there is no "ours" or "yours."

I imagine, brothers and sisters, that you have understandable fears for yourselves and for your families if you answer this kind of call. It's is terrifying to "come out." Don't we who have come out as LGBTQ know it?! ;)

If you are afraid, let me be a bridge. Let me help you understand. You don't need to come out as gay, but please, if you feel so moved, come out as an active Mormon ally. There are queer people in your wards and in your stakes. They need to know they have a friend who will only love. No judgement and no doctrine outside this: God is love. We are His children. We are called to love one another. Love is the most powerful force for progression in all creation. And give them hugs.

If you want to know more about how to become an ally, please meet with us on May 17th at the Ogden Maine Library at 7:15.

I come to you with great love and a humble heart. We are a people with a heritage of faith that shows us miracles. We celebrate a heritage of pioneers who pressed forward and found a place where life could be lived in unity and peace. We are all brothers and sisters, Children of God. Let's build His kingdom together.

http://www.facebook.com/events/208452002606371/

This Little Light of Mine

From a Press Release, April 26, 2010

On Monday, April 23, 18-year-old Alex Smith spoke on a community panel at a screening of “Bullied,” telling the packed room about the bullying his boyfriend experienced at school. What no one in the room yet knew, including Alex, was that his boyfriend had already taken his own life. 

This death is the latest known suicide of a gay teen in Northern Utah. One official says, off the record: “It happens here about once a week,” but then quickly adds, “but officially, you know, it doesn’t happen here." 

OUTreach is hosting a community response: “A Community Stands up - Northern Utah Addresses LGBT Bullying and Suicide.” It will take place May 1st, 6:30 pm at the Ogden Amphitheater, 343 E 25th ST, Ogden, UT. The purpose of the event is for the community to stand in solidarity with (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) LGBT youth, to speak out and express grief and outrage at yet another loss of life in Northern Utah and to witness for the need for immediate change in schools, churches and society. Until ALL youth are loved and accepted in their homes, able to attend school without fear of bullying, and know that their lives are worth living, this community will continue to demand change.

Numerous community leaders, educators, parents and youth will speak out for acceptance and love for LGBT youth, including active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the request of Alex Smith, a candlelight vigil will be held at the conclusion of the event. 

OUTreach Executive Director Marian Edmonds notes: “The youth I work with all know either a victim of bullying, the loss of a friend to suicide, and most often, both. These youth are bright, creative, and loving, yet too often face daily abuse from rejecting families, bullies at school and the loss of their church family. It is time for local schools to incorporate proven techniques for eliminating bullying and homophobia, for churches to preach love and acceptance, and for parents and families to love and accept their children. Each loss of life is a loss for all of us, and it must stop now.”

I spoke as a member of the original "Bullied" panel.

I cried when we learned that Alex's boyfriend had taken his life because he felt living was too much to bear.

I helped to plan and direct the event, A Community Stands - Northern Utah Addresses LGBT Bullying and Suicide.

I participated in providing music for the event with Sam and Jen.

I shared in the feeling of this community.  There was so much love and unity and oneness of vision -- this was truly one of the most "temple" kind of experiences I have ever experienced.  I know God was with us.  God was in us.

I never wanted to become an activist.  I have fought the call because I have been afraid.  I won't be afraid anymore.  God blessed me with a big voice, a big laugh, and a big heart.  I'm using them to speak up and stand on the side of love.

My message has never been one of destruction.  I do not wish to destroy the faith tradition in which I was raised.  I am a Mormon.  I am gay.  I am a man.  I am a musician.  I am a human who isn't merely being.  My message is that we are all christened Children of God.  We are all called to love.

I am a bridge.  I am a light.  I am a prayer.

So are you.

"All Photo Credits: Only In Ogden"

I'm Gonna Let It Shine!

Response to the Most Recent LGBTQ Teen Suicide in UT

I've spent so much time since Tuesday thinking and meditating and praying. I'm--


I've been speaking up for equal rights and telling LGBTQ and allied teens that it gets better and posting youtube videos and writing articles and being all around pro-LGBTQ rights for about a year and a half now. I have worked repeatedly on Sister Dottie shows. I feel like I've used my voice in standing on the side of love. 


I know we're doing absolutely life-saving work with LGBTQ community in UT. I know we've got incredible mountains to climb in helping the establishment understand why we're fighting for our freedom to marry and the blessing of living our lives out in the open. I know that the work and the advocacy is definitely making a difference, even in the rooms and towers of the church office building; however, I've never felt such a blow as when I learned of Jack's suicide. 


I have no idea who he is -- I've never met him. I only knew of him when his boyfriend -- another panelist who spoke with me against bulling Monday night -- spoke of him at the library. I felt like we lost so much when we lost him, just as we lose so much when we lose any of our brothers and sisters to suicide. These kinds of atrocities against us have to be stopped!


How do we give hope to these kids who have been taught that they deserve the treatment they're suffering? who have been taught that this is the price you pay when you come out? that this is the way that churches and their gods mete out punishment to those who don't walk the "straight" and narrow?


How do we remind our bullies that if God is love, then love is God? How do we urge them to believe in our interconnectedness, of I am in you and you are in me, of the fact that we are all christened Child of God? How do we teach people to see others as they see themselves? We have to keep raising our voices and waving our hands and marching our feet: I know we have to do that, but it feels, at least right now, at 12:21 on April 26th, that it's not changing quickly.


My heart is sick. My mind is weary. My soul is so incredibly angry. Right now, I don't know how to say "it gets better" unless I'm screaming it. I've got to find a way to temper all of my angry words with some gentleness, or else the other side won't be willing to listen to what we need to say.


I keep seeking for, praying for, asking for answers.


Please come and show your support for everyone who is named Child of God.  http://www.facebook.com/events/288709127881212/

Rebuttal

There was a message from a young man in my Facebook mailbox the other day, a response to a post I shared from Ask Mormon Girl.

Here is part of what he wrote:

I saw your "Ask a mormon girl" post. 

I've struggled with same-gender feelings ever since I became a Deacon in the Church. Fortunately, I've had the companionship of a wonderful family and good friends, and so I've never had the temptation to engage in a relationship with another man. (I hope I don't jynx myself by saying that). I just don't see that being a problem for me. 

However, I do know that it's a major consideration for others, and my heart goes out to them. I don't know how you feel about all this, but I figured the more all of us talk to each other about it, the better it will get. 

Those who struggle with same-gender attraction have some of the strongest testimonies I've seen. I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. I also know that He has given us commandments, such a the Proclaimation regarding the family. I know families are ordained of God. For some of us, it may not happen in this life. I desire to either eventually get married to a girl in this life, or remain single and let Heavenly Father make up for what I'm unable to do. 

I had a friend tell me that if Heavenly Father does not allow us to be tempted above what we are able, those who struggle with same-gender attraction must be some of His strongest spirits! 

To be honest, I rejoice when I hear stories of people who are striving to live according to church standards, but I am sad when I hear of those who either leave the church or try to make their homosexual relationships fit in with God's plan somehow. 

Just some of my thoughts. Sorry...I am unable to write short messages!!! 

Your Friend and Brother in the Gospel,

Here is my response.  Hopefully it was written with as much kindness and honor as I can muster.

I've been aware, in some respect or another, of the homosexual part of my divine nature since I was three or four. Without going into great detail, I've just always known. My parents also have always known. I have read my mother's comments and deep questions about my nature in old baby books and books of record. They sought out professional counselling when I was [a child] to keep me from "going gay" when I became a man. Incidentally, I don't remember much of my first grade years, and I think it's because that counselling against my feelings felt like a deep abuse; I've [probably] ignored those memories as a coping mechanism. 

I, too, have had been blessed with dear Christlike family and friends who haven't always agreed with my interpretation of doctrine, my politics, or my seeking out a husband as an eternal companion, but who have loved me with great courage and faith; this has allowed us all to follow our questions and seek out our own answers from Heavenly Father. 

With regard to your comment about being jinxed with the desire to seek out a relationship with another man, I also have never seen that sort of relationship in my life being a problem. In fact, I welcome it (in the future) as a blessing. I remember--after having prayed to have these feelings ripped from me, after having served a mission, after having lied to a sweet girl who wanted to marry me, after praying for car accidents and for life-threatening diseases so I wouldn't [consider] commit[ting] suicide-- I remember finally coming out to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. I had tried for years to come out to them, but I had never been brave enough to say, "Dear Heavenly Father, I've failed at your Plan. I'm gay." I finally said it. I sobbed.  

I prepared my heart for an answer. I read in 2 Nephi that "all are alike unto God." I heard Him say to me, "I know. I made you that way. Your sensitivity, your emotional understanding, your attention to detail and color and form, your creativity, you expression of and ability to love in this way -- I built your spirit this way, and I see that it is good. Your being gay changes nothing. There are more kinds of love within my heart than human beings wish to recognize. I have loved you, I love you, I will always love you. Go forth and be happy." 

We all have our levels of progression. We're all seeking out our own paths of Truth, especially as gay Mormons, seeking the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord in our lives. Perhaps your answer is not like my answer. Maybe God doesn't give us the same answers because we're not the same people. But maybe He gives us the same answers, and we listen for different affirmations. The only answer is that He loves us and He calls us to participate in divine work. 

I rejoice when people listen to the truth God gives them, walking courageously with their hand in His, wherever it may lead. My journey is leading me places I never knew I would be, but they feel -- deep in my soul -- right and true. The Spirit whispers that sort of confirmation. I will follow that, no matter what other people think. 

I completely agree that it will get better when we are brave and humble and kind and merciful enough to raise our voices with each other and have this discussion. I completely agree with you on the point. Let's keep the dialogue respectfully open. 

With honor and with love and with prayers, 

Nicholas Maughan
 

From a Status Update, Earlier Today

Dear Friendly Facebook Friends:

Due to some very recent misconstrued readings of last night's posts about my solitary midnight run to Beto's for food (not sex), I wish to offer a disclaimer:

I recognize and make no apology for stating my political leanings. Yes, I am all for marriage equality, because I feel it is the right thing to do, and have felt that way for quite some time. I believe you must be the change you wish to see in the world, and voices raised are powerful vehicles for change.

I recognize and make no apology for stating my spiritual beliefs, discussing my religious doubts, and offering truth as I see it.

I recognize and ask for no apology from anyone for the fact that we all have varied and diverse belief systems, faith traditions, political feelings, and styles of living. This diversity of thought and action is something I have always been taught to celebrate (different from is not inferior to). I thank God for the blessing of diversity within humanity, and count that diversity a credit to God's ultimate creativity.

I will continue to add my voice to the events, activities, policies, practices, and acceptance of acceptance I believe in. If my posts and writings challenge you in ways you find uncomfortable, please let me know, and I will add you to a "Do Not Share" list. If my posts and writings challenge you in ways which resonate, please, read away.

Rest assured, I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER share in anyway, shape, or form details of a deeply personal, intimate nature (read: IF, how, when, where, and with whom I share sexual relationships are not business I wish to share) in such a public forum as Facebook, Twitter, or any other type or system of so-called social media. At my core, I have never been the type of person to smear myself, or any other being, with public or private immorality, nor will I ever be.

I will always honor what I have consistently believed throughout my life: God is love. Love is the most powerful force for progression in the universe. Love thy neighbor. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Live your life and let others do the same. Learn how to be happy, and then share your happiness with others.

Thank you, and End of Rant.

things i say after midnight

integrity at all times, good sirs.  it's like breathing.  i have felt little pieces of death every time i've attempted deceit or repression.  falsity is not worth the trouble.

Pedestrian at a Crosswalk

you drove that big, blue, fuming truck up the circular drive. 
a limp cigarette was slung between your fingers
and i walked plainly across the road.

you hollered Speed it up, faggot! and then you coughed, flicking bits of ash out the open window.

i squared my shoulders and slowed my gait, singing
the mantra-song my mother taught
"I am a child of God."

i hope that in the time you waited while i sauntered and sang
i irritated the hell out of you.