GMB kept me informed of parties and social gatherings the MoHos had. I often declined his invitations: too busy with my trio's rehearsal and competition schedule; too tired from last night's performance; too this or that or the other. Honestly, I tried to find as many excuses as I could: I was, quite simply, nervous about placing myself in a new social context, one in which I had no sense of familiary or seniority.
GMB knows that I love planning parties and setting up seating arrangements and watching how people interact. He also knows that--being the performer I am--I need (usually) to be a central focus of attention, and I need social groups who are familiar with and forgiving of my appetite for the spotlight. Despite my seeming social ease, I think he knew what a scary idea going to a MoHo party was for me, and he knew he had to be in attendance, if I were to ever attend, as my social crutch--the confident hub, as it were, upon which my social spoke could place itself. He persisted in inviting me to different functions, and I finally agreed to go with him one Saturday evening.
We arrived late, but our entrance didn't create any sort of stir. There were quite a few boys, young and dressed in the latest American Eagle/Hollister fare, seated and chatting away on the living room couch. A group of men philosiphised around the dining room table. A few awkward duos and trios hovered about the perimeter of the room. The host got up from his perch at an inviting fireplace and greeted us.
I didn't know anyone except GMB, and I got a little anxious. I didn't know how the people at this "foreign" party would fit into my social schema. Where was the equivalant of silly, warm Jacquelyn, or the wisdom of Emily, or the pert snappiness Serenity? I was grateful to have, at least, some level of comfort and familiarity with GMB.
He knew many of the guys there, readily introducing me as Nic (aka "Cole") and giving me the names and blogger references of the guys I was meeting. I was happy to actually see some of the blog authors whose posts I'd been reading, and it was nice to finally have a face and a real-world name to put with the profiles. GMB left me a few minutes after the introductions were made, and I was on my own. I grabbed a dessert plate, piled it with as much chocolate as I could find, and perused the room for an open seat.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
A New World
In my own sort of imitation-is-a-form-of-flattery, I followed GMB's lead and created a blogger profile: favoritenic. I had never been a blogger, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Was I going to read sappy, diary-like, TMI blog shares? Rants and reverences on pop culture divas? Conservative-bashing? I kept tabs on GMB's blog and saw that he'd quickly captured the attentions of quite a few readers. Those little photo squares began to fill the right side of his screen under the "Followers" tab. I admit, I was intrigued by links to blogs with names like A Thousand Leagues from Average, Darling Derrick, and Third Wave Mormon, clicked on their blog links and began my reading.
I was shocked, yet still found an odd sort of comfort, at all the blogs I found. There were gay Mormon boys and lesbian Mormon girls, husband-and-wife teams who wrote of their trials and triumphs in mixed-orientation-marriages (MOM's), Moho's who were just coming out and Moho's who had been writing for years. I read posts written in bursts of frustration, anger and sorrow and also posts typed up in moments of confident joy and gratitude. I found bloggers who quickly captured my attention because of their strong political or spiritual rhetoric and I also found bloggers who repulsed my sensitive nature with their harsh judgments and negative words.
Although many of the things I read resonated with my personal philosophies--or, at the very least, created a strong response within me--I shirked affiliation with the Moho group. Frankly, I was irritated by the names some bloggers chose to call themselves. Many of the Moho bloggers I read kept very ambiguous or generic names in order, I suppose, to maintain a veil of anonymous safety. I understood the desire some bloggers might have had, as it were, to stay "hidden in the light": possibly, they hadn't come out yet; perhaps they didn't want to advertise their sexual orientation on the web and risk real world encounters with family and friends who might not have otherwise known; maybe their pen-name gave them license to write about things they wouldn't have otherwise discussed. I don't know.
I do know this: I hadn't planned on discussing topics of faith and sexuality and such when I first began writing my first blog. I had no qualms about using part of my real name in my blogger name, but I do remember the first time I composed a post on that blog which dealt with my own homosexuality. I didn't think many people were reading my blog, but I was still nervous that someone from whom I'd kept my orientation would find out. I wrote a disclaimer.
Well, no one showed up in my Hotmail inbox, my Facebook page or my front door with the intent to tie me to a stake and set me up in fire. Other, infrequent posts followed in which I discussed further facets of being a gay man in Utah. I continued reading the blog GMB kept up, as well as those of other Moho's, and commented (with the exception of GMB's posts, where I wrote as "Cole" for the sake of the we're-in-on-this-together kind of feeling between GMB and myself) as favoritenic.
I took pleasure in the feeling that I wasn't hiding, and--I admit--I made some pretty petty judgments about the bloggers who kept their names to themselves. I didn't understand how these writers, who wrote in such fervent, opinionated and impassioned voices, could hide behind clever and mystifying aliases, and so, I read from a distance which kept me separate from them.
But my desire to keep up with GMB and his social life wouldn't allow such distance for long.
I was shocked, yet still found an odd sort of comfort, at all the blogs I found. There were gay Mormon boys and lesbian Mormon girls, husband-and-wife teams who wrote of their trials and triumphs in mixed-orientation-marriages (MOM's), Moho's who were just coming out and Moho's who had been writing for years. I read posts written in bursts of frustration, anger and sorrow and also posts typed up in moments of confident joy and gratitude. I found bloggers who quickly captured my attention because of their strong political or spiritual rhetoric and I also found bloggers who repulsed my sensitive nature with their harsh judgments and negative words.
Although many of the things I read resonated with my personal philosophies--or, at the very least, created a strong response within me--I shirked affiliation with the Moho group. Frankly, I was irritated by the names some bloggers chose to call themselves. Many of the Moho bloggers I read kept very ambiguous or generic names in order, I suppose, to maintain a veil of anonymous safety. I understood the desire some bloggers might have had, as it were, to stay "hidden in the light": possibly, they hadn't come out yet; perhaps they didn't want to advertise their sexual orientation on the web and risk real world encounters with family and friends who might not have otherwise known; maybe their pen-name gave them license to write about things they wouldn't have otherwise discussed. I don't know.
I do know this: I hadn't planned on discussing topics of faith and sexuality and such when I first began writing my first blog. I had no qualms about using part of my real name in my blogger name, but I do remember the first time I composed a post on that blog which dealt with my own homosexuality. I didn't think many people were reading my blog, but I was still nervous that someone from whom I'd kept my orientation would find out. I wrote a disclaimer.
*My goal in writing this blog is to record the discoveries, the beautiful and transcendent events, transformations and tender mercies I find in life which lead me to greater good. I do not wish to turn "flowers" into a "Gay Mormon" or "Moho" blog, although those types of blogs have their place. This post is a reflection on an experience which has fueled a lot of thought for me, and I'm sure posts on similar subjects will follow. I'm not afraid, nor am I ashamed, but I do ask any Reader to read with love and empathy.I had come out to my immediate family two years before I began my first blog, and flowers pick themselves. I had come out to my very close friends. I decided it would be easier and create much less anxiety in my life if I left my coming out at that: coming out to the people with whom I shared my life, my love and my living space. But this post would be the first time I would come out--say "I'm a gay man"--to a more public arena, and my name, favoritenic, would be typed up right under the post itself. It was scary, but I took a deep breath and clicked PUBLISH.
Well, no one showed up in my Hotmail inbox, my Facebook page or my front door with the intent to tie me to a stake and set me up in fire. Other, infrequent posts followed in which I discussed further facets of being a gay man in Utah. I continued reading the blog GMB kept up, as well as those of other Moho's, and commented (with the exception of GMB's posts, where I wrote as "Cole" for the sake of the we're-in-on-this-together kind of feeling between GMB and myself) as favoritenic.
I took pleasure in the feeling that I wasn't hiding, and--I admit--I made some pretty petty judgments about the bloggers who kept their names to themselves. I didn't understand how these writers, who wrote in such fervent, opinionated and impassioned voices, could hide behind clever and mystifying aliases, and so, I read from a distance which kept me separate from them.
But my desire to keep up with GMB and his social life wouldn't allow such distance for long.
Notes from "Cole"
My best friend has a blog, The Wanderings and Delusions of a Gay Mormon Boy, in which he "details [his] experiences as a Gay Mormon Boy one year after the actual events in a literary experiment. [He] examine[s his] journey out of the closet, [his] spiritual conflict, and [his] dating life." His was the first blog I ever read consistently, in part because he's a brilliant poet, critic and writer, and I wanted to see how he would treat writing of a more personal nature; in part because I knew that, as his best friend, I would play quite a role in some of the events the blog would feature, and I wanted to see his take on some of our shared experiences.
Changing the names of "everyone involved...for the sake of privacy", my friend became "GMB" and I became "Cole." It was fun to try and figure out who was who on the blog (not that it was incredibly difficult), and I'd often e-mail or call GMB, asking if so-and-so was so-and-so. Admittedly, I enjoyed seeing my alias any time it popped up in his blog. I quite liked the air of being in quiet cahoots when GMB would e-mail me to consider my opinion on the turn of this phrase or to ask if he had the details of some event quite right. I began to track the position "Cole" took on the side of the screen under the Labels tab, and felt surges of theatrical pride any time my blog-name pushed another topic down a rung, leaving things like sexuality, the Church, just for fun, and Mark dwindling in its wake, until it reached the top! I enjoyed the little surreptitious smile I wore as I commented on certain posts as "Cole", and I liked reading the comments of GMB's other readers. I clicked on the blogger profiles of readers who made insightful comments with which I could agree, and--reading their blog stories and posts--began to acquaint myself with the MoHo blogosphere.
Changing the names of "everyone involved...for the sake of privacy", my friend became "GMB" and I became "Cole." It was fun to try and figure out who was who on the blog (not that it was incredibly difficult), and I'd often e-mail or call GMB, asking if so-and-so was so-and-so. Admittedly, I enjoyed seeing my alias any time it popped up in his blog. I quite liked the air of being in quiet cahoots when GMB would e-mail me to consider my opinion on the turn of this phrase or to ask if he had the details of some event quite right. I began to track the position "Cole" took on the side of the screen under the Labels tab, and felt surges of theatrical pride any time my blog-name pushed another topic down a rung, leaving things like sexuality, the Church, just for fun, and Mark dwindling in its wake, until it reached the top! I enjoyed the little surreptitious smile I wore as I commented on certain posts as "Cole", and I liked reading the comments of GMB's other readers. I clicked on the blogger profiles of readers who made insightful comments with which I could agree, and--reading their blog stories and posts--began to acquaint myself with the MoHo blogosphere.
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