equally yoked

“You may not remember the time you let me go first. 
Or the time you dropped back to tell me it wasn't that far to go. 
Or the time you waited at the crossroads for me to catch up. 
You may not remember any of those, but I do and this is what I have to say to you: 

Today, no matter what it takes, 
we ride home together.” 
― Brian Andreas

For Every Mormon

To my heterosexual, actively practicing Latter-Day Saint friends and family,

There have been many recent teen suicides in northern UT, with at least three happening within the last three weeks in Ogden and Davis County. Some of the teens who have taken their lives within the past school year are known to be LDS and LGBTQ/gay. Many of the teens who have taken their lives have confronted bullying in their schools, their churches, and their homes because they have either come out or assumptions made by bullies about perceived sexual orientation.

Being a gay Latter-Day Saint is challenging enough for an adult, let alone a young person who is trying to navigate the myriad of feelings and the many turns a teen's life takes while they mature. It's a challenging time when you are really figuring out who you are and how you wish to live your life. Add to the usual mix of teen angst and emotion and push-and-pull the weight of recognizing you're gay. It can be confusing and scary, full of questions. What do I do now? Am I the only one? Do other people know? Will I be targeted by violence? Add to those kinds of vexing questions the kinds of anxiety-ridden questions that come to gay members of the LDS church. Does Heavenly Father love me? Why would He do this to me? How will I ever fit into the Plan of Salvation? How will I ever be able to live with my family in the Celestial Kingdom? How can I serve a mission and spend every single day for two years with companion? If I don't serve a mission, how can I hold my head up at church? What will people say about me? What will people say about my family? How can I marry and have my own family? Should I come out to my family? Am I an abomination? Am I better off dead? Will it be easier for my family to deal with a gay son or a son who took his life?

I'm not asking for a dispensation from Salt Lake to change doctrines. My question to all faithful members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, whether you're active or inactive or membered or exed or voluntarliy removed, is this: How do we apply the MINISTRY of the Gospel in such a way that these kids (and adults) feel they can continue to breathe under the crushing millstone of weight that is figuring out how to be a happy, healthy gay Mormon? How do we light a fire so bright it will inspire mothers and local stake and ward Priesthood leaders who carry current temple recommends to speak up and save our kids without fearing they'll lose temple recommends or arouse church discipline? Active LDS members, we need you to feel safe that our camp is yours, that your firesides are ours. We want you to ride in our wagons, we want to pull your handcarts. We want to find this-is-the-place where there is no "ours" or "yours."

I imagine, brothers and sisters, that you have understandable fears for yourselves and for your families if you answer this kind of call. It's is terrifying to "come out." Don't we who have come out as LGBTQ know it?! ;)

If you are afraid, let me be a bridge. Let me help you understand. You don't need to come out as gay, but please, if you feel so moved, come out as an active Mormon ally. There are queer people in your wards and in your stakes. They need to know they have a friend who will only love. No judgement and no doctrine outside this: God is love. We are His children. We are called to love one another. Love is the most powerful force for progression in all creation. And give them hugs.

If you want to know more about how to become an ally, please meet with us on May 17th at the Ogden Maine Library at 7:15.

I come to you with great love and a humble heart. We are a people with a heritage of faith that shows us miracles. We celebrate a heritage of pioneers who pressed forward and found a place where life could be lived in unity and peace. We are all brothers and sisters, Children of God. Let's build His kingdom together.

http://www.facebook.com/events/208452002606371/

This Little Light of Mine

From a Press Release, April 26, 2010

On Monday, April 23, 18-year-old Alex Smith spoke on a community panel at a screening of “Bullied,” telling the packed room about the bullying his boyfriend experienced at school. What no one in the room yet knew, including Alex, was that his boyfriend had already taken his own life. 

This death is the latest known suicide of a gay teen in Northern Utah. One official says, off the record: “It happens here about once a week,” but then quickly adds, “but officially, you know, it doesn’t happen here." 

OUTreach is hosting a community response: “A Community Stands up - Northern Utah Addresses LGBT Bullying and Suicide.” It will take place May 1st, 6:30 pm at the Ogden Amphitheater, 343 E 25th ST, Ogden, UT. The purpose of the event is for the community to stand in solidarity with (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) LGBT youth, to speak out and express grief and outrage at yet another loss of life in Northern Utah and to witness for the need for immediate change in schools, churches and society. Until ALL youth are loved and accepted in their homes, able to attend school without fear of bullying, and know that their lives are worth living, this community will continue to demand change.

Numerous community leaders, educators, parents and youth will speak out for acceptance and love for LGBT youth, including active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the request of Alex Smith, a candlelight vigil will be held at the conclusion of the event. 

OUTreach Executive Director Marian Edmonds notes: “The youth I work with all know either a victim of bullying, the loss of a friend to suicide, and most often, both. These youth are bright, creative, and loving, yet too often face daily abuse from rejecting families, bullies at school and the loss of their church family. It is time for local schools to incorporate proven techniques for eliminating bullying and homophobia, for churches to preach love and acceptance, and for parents and families to love and accept their children. Each loss of life is a loss for all of us, and it must stop now.”

I spoke as a member of the original "Bullied" panel.

I cried when we learned that Alex's boyfriend had taken his life because he felt living was too much to bear.

I helped to plan and direct the event, A Community Stands - Northern Utah Addresses LGBT Bullying and Suicide.

I participated in providing music for the event with Sam and Jen.

I shared in the feeling of this community.  There was so much love and unity and oneness of vision -- this was truly one of the most "temple" kind of experiences I have ever experienced.  I know God was with us.  God was in us.

I never wanted to become an activist.  I have fought the call because I have been afraid.  I won't be afraid anymore.  God blessed me with a big voice, a big laugh, and a big heart.  I'm using them to speak up and stand on the side of love.

My message has never been one of destruction.  I do not wish to destroy the faith tradition in which I was raised.  I am a Mormon.  I am gay.  I am a man.  I am a musician.  I am a human who isn't merely being.  My message is that we are all christened Children of God.  We are all called to love.

I am a bridge.  I am a light.  I am a prayer.

So are you.

"All Photo Credits: Only In Ogden"

I'm Gonna Let It Shine!

Response to the Most Recent LGBTQ Teen Suicide in UT

I've spent so much time since Tuesday thinking and meditating and praying. I'm--


I've been speaking up for equal rights and telling LGBTQ and allied teens that it gets better and posting youtube videos and writing articles and being all around pro-LGBTQ rights for about a year and a half now. I have worked repeatedly on Sister Dottie shows. I feel like I've used my voice in standing on the side of love. 


I know we're doing absolutely life-saving work with LGBTQ community in UT. I know we've got incredible mountains to climb in helping the establishment understand why we're fighting for our freedom to marry and the blessing of living our lives out in the open. I know that the work and the advocacy is definitely making a difference, even in the rooms and towers of the church office building; however, I've never felt such a blow as when I learned of Jack's suicide. 


I have no idea who he is -- I've never met him. I only knew of him when his boyfriend -- another panelist who spoke with me against bulling Monday night -- spoke of him at the library. I felt like we lost so much when we lost him, just as we lose so much when we lose any of our brothers and sisters to suicide. These kinds of atrocities against us have to be stopped!


How do we give hope to these kids who have been taught that they deserve the treatment they're suffering? who have been taught that this is the price you pay when you come out? that this is the way that churches and their gods mete out punishment to those who don't walk the "straight" and narrow?


How do we remind our bullies that if God is love, then love is God? How do we urge them to believe in our interconnectedness, of I am in you and you are in me, of the fact that we are all christened Child of God? How do we teach people to see others as they see themselves? We have to keep raising our voices and waving our hands and marching our feet: I know we have to do that, but it feels, at least right now, at 12:21 on April 26th, that it's not changing quickly.


My heart is sick. My mind is weary. My soul is so incredibly angry. Right now, I don't know how to say "it gets better" unless I'm screaming it. I've got to find a way to temper all of my angry words with some gentleness, or else the other side won't be willing to listen to what we need to say.


I keep seeking for, praying for, asking for answers.


Please come and show your support for everyone who is named Child of God.  http://www.facebook.com/events/288709127881212/

Rebuttal

There was a message from a young man in my Facebook mailbox the other day, a response to a post I shared from Ask Mormon Girl.

Here is part of what he wrote:

I saw your "Ask a mormon girl" post. 

I've struggled with same-gender feelings ever since I became a Deacon in the Church. Fortunately, I've had the companionship of a wonderful family and good friends, and so I've never had the temptation to engage in a relationship with another man. (I hope I don't jynx myself by saying that). I just don't see that being a problem for me. 

However, I do know that it's a major consideration for others, and my heart goes out to them. I don't know how you feel about all this, but I figured the more all of us talk to each other about it, the better it will get. 

Those who struggle with same-gender attraction have some of the strongest testimonies I've seen. I know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. I also know that He has given us commandments, such a the Proclaimation regarding the family. I know families are ordained of God. For some of us, it may not happen in this life. I desire to either eventually get married to a girl in this life, or remain single and let Heavenly Father make up for what I'm unable to do. 

I had a friend tell me that if Heavenly Father does not allow us to be tempted above what we are able, those who struggle with same-gender attraction must be some of His strongest spirits! 

To be honest, I rejoice when I hear stories of people who are striving to live according to church standards, but I am sad when I hear of those who either leave the church or try to make their homosexual relationships fit in with God's plan somehow. 

Just some of my thoughts. Sorry...I am unable to write short messages!!! 

Your Friend and Brother in the Gospel,

Here is my response.  Hopefully it was written with as much kindness and honor as I can muster.

I've been aware, in some respect or another, of the homosexual part of my divine nature since I was three or four. Without going into great detail, I've just always known. My parents also have always known. I have read my mother's comments and deep questions about my nature in old baby books and books of record. They sought out professional counselling when I was [a child] to keep me from "going gay" when I became a man. Incidentally, I don't remember much of my first grade years, and I think it's because that counselling against my feelings felt like a deep abuse; I've [probably] ignored those memories as a coping mechanism. 

I, too, have had been blessed with dear Christlike family and friends who haven't always agreed with my interpretation of doctrine, my politics, or my seeking out a husband as an eternal companion, but who have loved me with great courage and faith; this has allowed us all to follow our questions and seek out our own answers from Heavenly Father. 

With regard to your comment about being jinxed with the desire to seek out a relationship with another man, I also have never seen that sort of relationship in my life being a problem. In fact, I welcome it (in the future) as a blessing. I remember--after having prayed to have these feelings ripped from me, after having served a mission, after having lied to a sweet girl who wanted to marry me, after praying for car accidents and for life-threatening diseases so I wouldn't [consider] commit[ting] suicide-- I remember finally coming out to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. I had tried for years to come out to them, but I had never been brave enough to say, "Dear Heavenly Father, I've failed at your Plan. I'm gay." I finally said it. I sobbed.  

I prepared my heart for an answer. I read in 2 Nephi that "all are alike unto God." I heard Him say to me, "I know. I made you that way. Your sensitivity, your emotional understanding, your attention to detail and color and form, your creativity, you expression of and ability to love in this way -- I built your spirit this way, and I see that it is good. Your being gay changes nothing. There are more kinds of love within my heart than human beings wish to recognize. I have loved you, I love you, I will always love you. Go forth and be happy." 

We all have our levels of progression. We're all seeking out our own paths of Truth, especially as gay Mormons, seeking the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord in our lives. Perhaps your answer is not like my answer. Maybe God doesn't give us the same answers because we're not the same people. But maybe He gives us the same answers, and we listen for different affirmations. The only answer is that He loves us and He calls us to participate in divine work. 

I rejoice when people listen to the truth God gives them, walking courageously with their hand in His, wherever it may lead. My journey is leading me places I never knew I would be, but they feel -- deep in my soul -- right and true. The Spirit whispers that sort of confirmation. I will follow that, no matter what other people think. 

I completely agree that it will get better when we are brave and humble and kind and merciful enough to raise our voices with each other and have this discussion. I completely agree with you on the point. Let's keep the dialogue respectfully open. 

With honor and with love and with prayers, 

Nicholas Maughan
 

From a Status Update, Earlier Today

Dear Friendly Facebook Friends:

Due to some very recent misconstrued readings of last night's posts about my solitary midnight run to Beto's for food (not sex), I wish to offer a disclaimer:

I recognize and make no apology for stating my political leanings. Yes, I am all for marriage equality, because I feel it is the right thing to do, and have felt that way for quite some time. I believe you must be the change you wish to see in the world, and voices raised are powerful vehicles for change.

I recognize and make no apology for stating my spiritual beliefs, discussing my religious doubts, and offering truth as I see it.

I recognize and ask for no apology from anyone for the fact that we all have varied and diverse belief systems, faith traditions, political feelings, and styles of living. This diversity of thought and action is something I have always been taught to celebrate (different from is not inferior to). I thank God for the blessing of diversity within humanity, and count that diversity a credit to God's ultimate creativity.

I will continue to add my voice to the events, activities, policies, practices, and acceptance of acceptance I believe in. If my posts and writings challenge you in ways you find uncomfortable, please let me know, and I will add you to a "Do Not Share" list. If my posts and writings challenge you in ways which resonate, please, read away.

Rest assured, I will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER share in anyway, shape, or form details of a deeply personal, intimate nature (read: IF, how, when, where, and with whom I share sexual relationships are not business I wish to share) in such a public forum as Facebook, Twitter, or any other type or system of so-called social media. At my core, I have never been the type of person to smear myself, or any other being, with public or private immorality, nor will I ever be.

I will always honor what I have consistently believed throughout my life: God is love. Love is the most powerful force for progression in the universe. Love thy neighbor. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Live your life and let others do the same. Learn how to be happy, and then share your happiness with others.

Thank you, and End of Rant.

things i say after midnight

integrity at all times, good sirs.  it's like breathing.  i have felt little pieces of death every time i've attempted deceit or repression.  falsity is not worth the trouble.

Pedestrian at a Crosswalk

you drove that big, blue, fuming truck up the circular drive. 
a limp cigarette was slung between your fingers
and i walked plainly across the road.

you hollered Speed it up, faggot! and then you coughed, flicking bits of ash out the open window.

i squared my shoulders and slowed my gait, singing
the mantra-song my mother taught
"I am a child of God."

i hope that in the time you waited while i sauntered and sang
i irritated the hell out of you.

Sister Dottie S Dixon's Hilarious Holiday Hullabaloo: A Reflection

I participated again this year in the Ogden OUTreach fundraiser put on by Sister Dottie S. Dixon at Weber State University.  I was the music director, as well as a talent scout, associate producer, radio personality and overall person whose fingers were involved with just about every aspect of the show.  I was even a contestant onon a radio competition associated with the fundraising project.  

I absolutely adore being the center of attention, but (believe it or not) I do try to be careful about what brings the attention.  I think I've been out and proud for the last four and a half years, but I've been somewhat selective about who I'm out and proud to; making the decision to sing "The Man Who Turned Out Gay" as a Sister Dottie S Dixon's Utah's Most Talented X-Factor Idol Contestant was a more challenging feat than I would have imagined it to be.  I assumed a portion of the 70,000 listeners who tune into X96 are people who know of me, but may not or do not need to know everything about me.  I assumed a portion of the listenership are people who know my parents and my brothers.  I assumed a portion of the large audience could be people from my hometown who have only ever seen the devout, faithful "Elder Maughan" part of me.  I admit, I was a little scared when I realized how big a public forum Radio from Hell is and I was terrified at the thought of presenting my orientation as a gay man in Utah to a much more expansive group of people. Some family members were quick to remind me that I would be "solidifying a reputation" if I did this, and that once I did, I would face much more difficulty when returning to the fold of the LDS faith (oh, how we hold so vehemently to our hopes!).

I considered using a pseudonym while I was on the radio Monday morning.  It would have been a way to appease family members and their concerns about reputation(s).  It would have been an easy way to appease my own concerns about reputation(s).  But it would have been cowardly.  I've always said that if I'm doing something I feel is right and important, it's important and right to attach my name to it without any apology.  So, I sang and I sang as Nic Maughan.  It was one of the truest moments of my life.  Whatever-GOD-is surrounded me with the truth that I was definitely doing the right thing at the right time in the right place with the right people.  I wasn't afraid of anything at all.  I knew I could be proud of our work and I didn't need anybody's approval but my own.

The show was a spectacular success by all accounts.  I am so pleased to have been a part of it again this year!    I think my favorite segment of the entire night was the Set'n'Visit with Sister Dottie and the OUTreach kids.  The entire portion was luminous, but I believe the moment with the most power has to be the audience's standing ovation at the end of the interviews.  I had the best seat in the house, sitting there at my piano.  I saw those kids bear witness to the affirmation the entire room was giving them.  I saw them begin to believe that their community valued them as the audience applauded.  I saw their confidence in themselves grow as they saw acceptance.  It was beyond powerful.

I've never felt like I've wanted to be an activist.  I've been happy with listening to individuals as they've come to me and asked me how I've managed the adjectives of gay and Mormon and faithful and reasonable.  I've been comfortable with quiet talks and small moments.  I've been content to let other people lend their voices to the cause of equality, but I think this week, this process of putting on the Hullabaloo has put a fire under my seat. It's taken five years of (in)decision, but I'm ready to add my voice to the chorus. If--as I've been reminded recently--I'm building a reputation, it will be as one who affirms the grace and dignity within all human beings; it will be as one who speaks against hatred and bigotry; it will be as one who proclaims that education becomes understanding and understanding grows into love and that love always casts out fear; it will be as one who fights to declare that every person can confidently claim the life that is theirs and find joy within that reclamation.

I'll build a reputation and I'll build it without apology.  God didn't make us to apologize. He made us to live as the Best Selves we can become, sharing in love and the fullness of honest living. He made us, really, to just live our lives and allow others the honor of doing the same.

Being a participant in Sister Dottie's Holiday Hullabaloo has helped to solidify and clarify my vision of what I need to do to help make the space in which I live a better place for everyone.  It's given me courage to have a healthier dialogue with my loved ones and with my self.

I'll always be grateful for the time and energy I spent with Sister Dottie.  It took a lot out of me, but it was ever-sa-worth it.  I am a better human being after having participated in such a cause as standing on the side of love.  I look forward to next year!

Who Would've Thought?

I grew up collecting My Little Ponies, playing Cinderella with my mom (who, at my behest, always played Prince Charming--God will bless her) and singing showtunes including "Think of Me" (which, by the way, I sang much, much better than What's-Her-Name Brightman) and anything recorded by Judy Garland, Julie Andrews or the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

I watched the old, black and white Tarzan films with my father, inching closer to the t.v. to examine the intriguing yet unsettling bulge under Tarzan's loincloth.  I tended to gravitate toward friendships with girls rather than boys and preferred the swings, balance beams and gymnasts' bars to soccer, base- or foot- balls at recess.

I sported a New Kids on the Block backpack (I remember my cousin, McKenzie, sticking up for me while we waited in line for the school bus and some kid was making fun of me) and pink pajamas in first grade.

I was in love with The Little Mermaid (read: supah-crush on Prince Eric) and told my preschool teacher she needed a dress-up like this:

Needless to say, when I finally did come out about four years ago, nobody was surprised.

For a Boy I Remembered While Sitting in the Hospital with a Girl I Love

I hope this isn't too weird, but I was reminded of you tonight as I shared a hospital bed with a good friend of mine (hopefully, I've remembered it all correctly!). She is dying from liver failure due to years of intense alcoholism. I haven't seen her for quite a while and I was shocked at her condition. She doesn't look good, her eyes jaundiced and her skin fevered. She's experiencing a lot of pain. It was difficult to watch her and I, the healthy one, winced any time she moved. I wanted to do more, but I could only sit on the edge of her bed, talk, try to rub the ache out of her hands. I looped my fingers through hers, rubbed my index finger in the webs between her fingers, the ridges of her tight, hard knuckles, remembering how you did the same to mine one night in Ogunquit, ME.

Rubbing her palms, I told her that you were the first person I noticed that evening when I walked in the door of the Main Street Bar, that I thought you were exceptionally handsome, and that I didn't think I'd have ever get a chance to snag your attention. I told her how surprised I was when you appeared at my side to tell me you thought I had great hair and offer me a drink. She smiled when I explained that--caught so off guard by your flirting with me--I didn't know how to respond and fled. I bought my own drink, but I still watched you as you eyed the eye-candy and laughed with your friends.

I told her how later that night, accompanied by showtunes and power ballads, I saw you at the piano bar, uncertain about how I should respond to your attention. I shared with her the thoughts, the insecurities, the questions and the plans the prospect of you-in-that-night inspired. I told her you traced my hands with your fingers and said you thought I had beautiful eyes; I wasn't sure if I believed you, but I wanted to. I told her that while walking on the street to our friends' cars, you invited me to extend the evening at your place. I remember feeling flattered and happy and drunk and so goddamn inexperienced; I was a little scared about what you would've thought (or not thought) of my range of talent. Ever practical and responsible, I told you I didn't have a car and rehearsal would come bright and early the next morning.

She asked if I kissed you goodnight. I replied that although I really should have, I didn't. She asked if I saw you again. I told her we shared a few text messages, that I looked for you whenever I was in Ogunquit, that I have wished I could have seen you more often than not. She wanted to see a photo of you, so we looked you up on Facebook. I must admit, I agreed when she said she thought you were gorgeous. I told her that--still, how many months later?-- I regret the fact that I didn't go home with you. I wonder how, if I had, the paths on which we walk might be different. I told her that I wonder if you ever think of me and that I hope life is treating you well, bringing you some success and happiness.

And so, trying to avail her some bit of comfort, I rubbed my dying friend's hands and gave her something I find beautiful: the memories and dreams I made of you one summer night in Maine.

Halloween CaBOOret!

So, I sang at AAT's Gender Bender CaBOOret Friday night.  Dressed up as Audrey Hepburn and sang my own little version of Judy Garland's "The Man That Got Away" with the incomparable Maddie Tarbox at the piano.

Super fun!

With Shlebby

The Man Who Turned Out Gay

The night is bitter
And he's aglow in glitter
He's on the dance floor
Leaving you to sit and drink more
And all because he's the man who turned out gay

You'd like to feel his kiss
But he's loosened up his wrists
Those dreams you've dreamed have all gone astray

The man who stunned you
Has come out and undone you
Your great beginning
Won't ever see an inning
Don't know what happened
It's all a crazy game

It's only friends from here
But you get to shop with your queer
And never your wardrobe will be the same

You ask yourself why
You never saw the signs of "Gay Guy"
He worships Calvin Klein and Lady Gaga

You see him grinding
And now you're realizing
You won't romance him
Just find a way to get past him
Keep on drinking this goddamned Diet Coke

'Cuz ever since this world began
There's nothing sadder than
The Mormon girl praying for the man who turned out gay

The man who turned out gay

Have You Got the Curves?

Dear French Art Song,


Your feminine wiles and supple curves attract my most "sensitive" sensibilities.  Had you been a greater force in my life four years ago, I would have perhaps found in you a type of complicated answer to a lifelong prayer.  Today, you simply reaffirm that my highly cultivated sense of aesthetics is part of a fabulously snarky, happily limp-wristed birthright.  I suppose thanks are in order.

A Pianist in Awe

Rachmaninov: Prelude in D Flat Major, Op. 32, No. 13

Rachmaninov: Etude-Tableau in C Minor, Op. 33, No. 3

Beethoven: Sonata in A Flat Major, Op. 110, Mvt. I

Bach: Prelude and Fugue in B Major, BWV 868

ephemeron

you enter a small, locked room. there are no windows and

the air lacks imagination.  you place scores--bach, beethoven, rachmaninov--

on the music stand and sit carefully upon the black leather bench 

(an artist's bench).

                      artist:  seek their inspirations--bach, beethoven, rachmaninov--

in this uninspiring room.  your work is placing your fingers upon the keys

day after day after day:

excite the current

wash and wring the unimaginative air within the whorl of your ear

(frustrate your already frustated mind, gauging weight and pacing lines),

work for weeks to sift through the alluvium of sound

and pan for sparkling, golden tones.

in the end, present the glorious work, but realize this:

only the clearest-eared will hear and shrewdly explain while the hungry rest

make you a god-for-five-minutes and clamor maddeningly to bask and congratulate.  

bear the moment while you can and then return to a small, locked, windowless room.  your

work is placing your fingers upon the keys day after day after day.

it will be cold there, too separate from whatever sun warms the world outside

that heavy, lonely door.

Love Who You Love

A gorgeous song from "A Man of No Importance" by Lynn Ahrens and Steven Flaherty.

Advocate, or "Live Your Life"

We'd just finished a wonderful opening night and the cast, band and crew, high on the energy of a great show, went out for a few drinks.  We sat at the table and somebody told a funny story about some producer who suffered from intense bouts of vertigo.  I laughed.  Loudly.

"Turn it down Nic!  You're drawing attention to the fact that we're a bunch of twinkle-toed fairies and some of the folk in this place look much less than liberal.   You don't want to end up getting hurt," my director whispered, eyebrows raised as his manicured hand swatted my knee.

Even though Fred didn't intend to hurt me, I felt as if I'd been attacked and stopped laughing immediately.  True, my voluminous cackle attracts attention wherever I go (any dinner or movie companions I have have to get used to the stares my laugh draws), but I was shocked that Fred would be concerned my laughter (and, admittedly, a few pink-hued comments) would draw negative or even violent attention to the fact that some members of our dinner party were gay.  Even though I understood he came out in a much less gay-friendly environment, I felt saddened that--as a man who has been out for decades and who has lived with his partner for the last however many years--he was afraid of homophobia and felt the need to literally straighten himself--and all the other gay boys along with him--up.  I was offended by his twofold request to "turn it down:" my particular brand of laughter and fabulous gayness are two bits in the bag of Nic-ish things that make me me.

I was most surprised, though, by the way I acted for the remainder of the evening.  In recognition of and a surrender to Fred's nervousness, I straightened up as much as I can and turned the laugh down.  I didn't like who I became as the night continued and the psychological shift inside me was unnerving.  I became acutely aware of the other tables in the room.  I listened snippets of conversations, especially from the bar, to gauge whether or not my friends and I were drawing attention as Faggots and Associates, Inc.  I was afraid to be the last one of my group to walk out the door and I felt especially grateful that Bob- (an actor in the troupe and a good friend of mine)'s handsome, sturdy boyfriend, Jim, was with us as we left.  I didn't feel safe, a threat I haven't felt in ages.  I usually feel quite confident in many areas in my life, including a strong sense of comfort as a gay man.  I have a positive self-view most of the time, and recognize the creativity and divinity and worthy substance inside my Self.  Feeling my confidence compromised that night--especially because of a fellow gay brother's comments--was gravely disconcerting.  We became the kind of queers I've never wished to be as we bowed to the belief that we were a fancy blight to others around us.  Curtailing our fabulosity was the pathetic apology we offered to people who probably didn't even notice us.

It happened weeks ago, while I was working in Maine.  I've done my best to let the incident go, but I keep coming back to it.  I may be waxing a bit glum here, but I sometimes wonder if all the campaigning and advocacy of the last thirty years has brought healthy outside attention to the LGBT community and allies or given us a positive view of ourselves as a group.   Now, I realize we've come a long way.  I read articles and blogs and columns.  I watch documentaries and gay movies.  I do my best to keep up on my queer culture and gay history and I do see, from where we've been, we have marched a very long way.  I credit the gay men and women and their allies who came before us with laying the amazing political and social groundwork which allows me to live openly and happily as a gay man in the USA; however, when I see my friends hide themselves, and when I make concessions to hide myself with them, I really wonder if, in all our Big Gay Pride and political maneuvering, we're actually attaining the sort of visibility and acceptance we want.

********************

"Live your life."  I can't tell you how many times I heard Manny, an extremely difficult-to-work-with-but-ultimately-charming actor, say these other three little words.  The phrase was his own sort of "your mom" or "that's what she said..." catch-all quip.  Overused, I think everyone in the company grew tired of hearing Manny's using it at every opportunity; however, I've thought about this phrase much lately, especially in connection with living life as an LGBTQ person.  I think the best sort of advocacy and solidarity comes in just doing that: living our lives.

I think of Suzanne and Reesa, two women who parent a ten-year old girl and her older brother.  Suzanne is their bio-mom and Reesa is their step-mom.  I teach music lessons in their home on a weekly basis, and I just have to say they have one of the most well-balanced families with smart, witty, compassionate and well-adjusted children I've seen.  They are living their lives: doing their grocery shopping, mowing their lawn, going to bat for their kids when things get tough at school.  This is a family who doesn't necessarily fit what their neighbors in UT define as a family, but they are a "normal" family--they have love and they work together to make their lives, and the lives of those around them, more kind and caring, more loving and tolerant, and more beautiful-in-truth.  I honor these women and their children for the example they are setting that families come in all sorts of variation.  

I think of my mother, who called while I was in Maine to tell me of a woman who sought her out at work to ask how to "deal with" her gay son and still feel loyal to the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding the practice of homosexuality. 

"Nicholas!" she yelled, "You've put me in a situation in which I'v never wanted to participate:  I'VE BECOME A COUNSELOR FOR WOMEN IN THE CHURCH IN OUR TOWN WHO HAVE GAY SONS!!!  They've found your blog, and now they've found me!  It's not funny!!!"

I chuckled, "So what did you tell her to do, Mom?" I asked.  I filled with love and pride at her reply, "Well, I told her all she could do was love him."

That's my mom, trying to live her life, but giving time and truth to women who need to remember their sons and daughters are still their sons and daughters--reminding them that love is the most powerful force for progression in the universe.

I think of the immense (and wasteful and useless) anxiety I felt when I decided to adjust my Facebook profile information to Interested in Men.  I did it quietly, without much fanfare.  It was easier than I expected it to be: just one click of the mouse.  I did it because I want others to see that I am a happy man.  I want young gay men and women, especially in Utah, to see that they are not alone.  I know it's small, but it's also huge, and it's led me to even greater liberation, allowing me to live my life more fully.

I want to think that we don't have to advertise or become exceptionally aggressive in our advocacy.  I want to believe that the greatest changes in society, the greatest way to gain the equality we seek, is to just live our lives.  Hopefully, our families, our friends and our neighbors will see that we are people, the same as them--that there never was, there never will be, and there is no "us" and "them;" that we are who we are.  I believe that when people see that, we'll all vote for equality and political strictures on love and all its expression will be lifted.

God didn't make us to apologize to society.  He made us to live as the best Selves we can become, sharing in love and the fullness of honest living.  He made us, really, to just live our lives and let others do the same.