There was a message from a young man in my Facebook mailbox the other day, a response to a post I shared from
Ask Mormon Girl.
Here is part of what he wrote:
I saw your
"Ask a mormon girl" post.
I've struggled with
same-gender feelings ever since I became a Deacon in the Church. Fortunately,
I've had the companionship of a wonderful family and good friends, and so I've
never had the temptation to engage in a relationship with another man. (I hope I
don't jynx myself by saying that). I just don't see that being a problem for me.
However, I do know
that it's a major consideration for others, and my heart goes out to them. I
don't know how you feel about all this, but I figured the more all of us talk
to each other about it, the better it will get.
Those who struggle
with same-gender attraction have some of the strongest testimonies I've seen. I
know for a fact that Heavenly Father loves all of His children. I also know
that He has given us commandments, such a the Proclaimation regarding the
family. I know families are ordained of God. For some of us, it may not happen
in this life. I desire to either eventually get married to a girl in this life,
or remain single and let Heavenly Father make up for what I'm unable to do.
I had a friend tell
me that if Heavenly Father does not allow us to be tempted above what we are
able, those who struggle with same-gender attraction must be some of His
strongest spirits!
To be honest, I
rejoice when I hear stories of people who are striving to live according to
church standards, but I am sad when I hear of those who either leave the church
or try to make their homosexual relationships fit in with God's plan somehow.
Just some of my
thoughts. Sorry...I am unable to write short messages!!!
Your Friend and
Brother in the Gospel,
Here is my response. Hopefully it was written with as much kindness and honor as I can muster.
I've been aware, in some respect or another, of the homosexual part of
my divine nature since I was three or four. Without going into great detail,
I've just always known. My parents also have always known. I have read my
mother's comments and deep questions about my nature in old baby books and
books of record. They sought out professional counselling when I was [a child] to keep me from "going gay" when I became a man. Incidentally,
I don't remember much of my first grade years, and I think it's because that
counselling against my feelings felt like a deep abuse; I've [probably] ignored those
memories as a coping mechanism.
I, too, have had
been blessed with dear Christlike family and friends who haven't always agreed
with my interpretation of doctrine, my politics, or my seeking out a husband as
an eternal companion, but who have loved me with great courage and faith; this
has allowed us all to follow our questions and seek out our own answers from
Heavenly Father.
With regard to your
comment about being jinxed with the desire to seek out a relationship with
another man, I also have never seen that sort of relationship in my life being
a problem. In fact, I welcome it (in the future) as a blessing. I
remember--after having prayed to have these feelings ripped from me, after
having served a mission, after having lied to a sweet girl who wanted to marry
me, after praying for car accidents and for life-threatening diseases so I
wouldn't [consider] commit[ting] suicide-- I remember finally coming out to God the Father, God
the Son, and God the Holy Ghost. I had tried for years to come out to them, but
I had never been brave enough to say, "Dear Heavenly Father, I've failed
at your Plan. I'm gay." I finally said it. I sobbed.
I prepared my heart
for an answer. I read in 2 Nephi that "all are alike unto God." I
heard Him say to me, "I know. I made you that way. Your sensitivity, your
emotional understanding, your attention to detail and color and form, your
creativity, you expression of and ability to love in this way -- I built your
spirit this way, and I see that it is good. Your being gay changes nothing.
There are more kinds of love within my heart than human beings wish to
recognize. I have loved you, I love you, I will always love you. Go forth and
be happy."
We all have our
levels of progression. We're all seeking out our own paths of Truth, especially
as gay Mormons, seeking the guidance of the Spirit of the Lord in our lives.
Perhaps your answer is not like my answer. Maybe God doesn't give us the same
answers because we're not the same people. But maybe He gives us the same
answers, and we listen for different affirmations. The only answer is that He
loves us and He calls us to participate in divine work.
I rejoice when
people listen to the truth God gives them, walking courageously with their hand
in His, wherever it may lead. My journey is leading me places I never knew I
would be, but they feel -- deep in my soul -- right and true. The Spirit
whispers that sort of confirmation. I will follow that, no matter what other
people think.
I completely agree
that it will get better when we are brave and humble and kind and merciful
enough to raise our voices with each other and have this discussion. I
completely agree with you on the point. Let's keep the dialogue respectfully
open.
With honor and with
love and with prayers,
Nicholas Maughan
