I absolutely adore being the center of
attention, but (believe it or not) I do try to be careful about what brings the
attention. I think I've been out and
proud for the last four and a half years, but I've been somewhat selective
about who I'm out and proud to; making the decision to sing "The Man Who
Turned Out Gay" as a Sister Dottie S Dixon's Utah's Most Talented X-Factor
Idol Contestant was a more challenging feat than I would have imagined it to
be. I assumed a portion of the 70,000
listeners who tune into X96 are people who know of me, but may not or do not
need to know everything about me. I
assumed a portion of the listenership are people who know my parents and my
brothers. I assumed a portion of the
large audience could be people from my hometown who have only ever seen the
devout, faithful "Elder Maughan" part of me. I admit, I was a little scared when I
realized how big a public forum Radio from Hell is and I was terrified at the
thought of presenting my orientation as a gay man in Utah to a much more
expansive group of people. Some family members were quick to remind me that I
would be "solidifying a reputation" if I did this, and that once I
did, I would face much more difficulty when returning to the fold of the LDS
faith (oh, how we hold so vehemently to our hopes!).
I considered using a pseudonym while I was on the radio
Monday morning. It would have been a way
to appease family members and their concerns about reputation(s). It would have been an easy way to appease my
own concerns about reputation(s). But it
would have been cowardly. I've always
said that if I'm doing something I feel is right and important, it's important
and right to attach my name to it without any apology. So, I sang and I sang as Nic Maughan. It was one of the truest moments of my life. Whatever-GOD-is surrounded me with the truth
that I was definitely doing the right thing at the right time in the right
place with the right people. I wasn't
afraid of anything at all. I knew I
could be proud of our work and I didn't need anybody's approval but my own.
The show was a spectacular success by all accounts. I am so pleased to have been a part of it again this year! I think my favorite segment of the entire night was the Set'n'Visit with Sister Dottie and the OUTreach kids. The entire portion was luminous, but I believe the moment with the most power has to be the audience's standing ovation at the end of the interviews. I had the best seat in the house, sitting there at my piano. I saw those kids bear witness to the affirmation the entire room was giving them. I saw them begin to believe that their community valued them as the audience applauded. I saw their confidence in themselves grow as they saw acceptance. It was beyond powerful.
I've never felt like I've wanted to be an activist. I've been happy with listening to individuals
as they've come to me and asked me how I've managed the adjectives of gay and
Mormon and faithful and reasonable. I've
been comfortable with quiet talks and small moments. I've been content to let other people lend
their voices to the cause of equality, but I think this week, this process of
putting on the Hullabaloo has put a fire under my seat. It's taken five years
of (in)decision, but I'm ready to add my voice to the chorus. If--as I've been
reminded recently--I'm building a reputation, it will be as one who affirms the
grace and dignity within all human beings; it will be as one who speaks against
hatred and bigotry; it will be as one who proclaims that education becomes
understanding and understanding grows into love and that love always casts out
fear; it will be as one who fights to declare that every person can confidently
claim the life that is theirs and find joy within that reclamation.
I'll build a reputation and I'll build it without apology. God didn't make us to apologize. He made us to live as the Best Selves we can become, sharing in love and the fullness of honest living. He made us, really, to just live our lives and allow others the honor of doing the same.
Being a participant in Sister Dottie's Holiday Hullabaloo
has helped to solidify and clarify my vision of what I need to do to help make
the space in which I live a better place for everyone. It's given me courage to have a healthier
dialogue with my loved ones and with my self.
I'll always be grateful for the time and energy I spent with
Sister Dottie. It took a lot out of me,
but it was ever-sa-worth it. I am a
better human being after having participated in such a cause as standing on the
side of love. I look forward to next
year!
